There are certain things in life that should just go without saying. Like giving your rug rats gifts on Christmas. Or saying thank you when someone holds the door open for you. A small, obligatory head nod and wave should be mandatory when yielding the right of way to another driver. In this case I personally think the law should, in the event of non-compliance, allow you to follow said driver until they stop and then proceed to show them the error of their ways. But what I’m talking about now pushes the envelope of rudeness to a whole new level. And it happens all the time. In public no less. Well, sort of.
Have you ever been in a public place when it hits you? All of a sudden you realize that it’s time to use the restroom. And I’m not talking about a quick visit either. I’m talking about the dreaded #2. What’s more, you know there’s no way to hold it and despite the obvious discomfort involved you head for the nearest public facility. Now if you’re like me this could be one of the single worst scenarios you will ever face in your life. Many people loathe the idea of using the bathroom in a public place. Worried about the cleanliness of these facilities is warranted. Probably the worst are the ones that are behind old gas stations. You know, the ones where you have to go inside to get the key from the attendant. I think these get cleaned out about as often as I buy a new pair of sneakers. And I’m not rich.
I have a friend who is absolutely scared to death about using public restrooms. It’s people like him that caused an onslaught of invention in the previously boring “janitorial engineering” business category. Things like auto-flushing toilets, no touch faucets and hand driers, and even entryways with no doors all combine to create an experience where the only thing you touch is yourself. That sounded weird. Anyway, through hard work and inspiration the powers that be have created a relatively sterile environment in which to do your business. Unfortunately, few have done anything at all about the noise pollution.
Have you ever noticed that the older you get the less embarrassed about certain things you become? I don’t know about you ladies but old guys at the gym have no problem whatsoever showcasing their family jewels in the locker room. They’ll stand around and talk butt ass nekkid! Believe me, the last thing you want to do after working out (or ever for that matter) is to see some old guys wrinkled twig and berries (I’m got a million of these, I’m a redneck remember) front and center. But often the way the rooms are set up it’s like walking into a land mine. Soon as you turn the corner, WHAM, prunes at twelve o’clock. What’s strange is they don’t seem to think anything of it. From my perspective though, just because they don’t mind showing what their momma gave ‘em doesn’t mean we want to see it. At what age does a person lose respect for others? Based on the freeballin’ going on at the gym I’m guessing it’s around age 60.
The same lack of consideration follows these guys into public restrooms. At least I assume it’s the older population. I can’t be sure given the fact that they’re behind the closed door of the bathroom stall. Let me explain. I’ve mentioned that as much as I dread it, there have been times I’ve been forced to do #2 in public. And every so often I’ve had the misfortune of finding myself in a stall next to one of these fine, upstanding members of society. I don’t know if eating figs and drinking Metamucil keeps you regular but it seems these guys have no problem moving things along. When these guys hit the commode they take no prisoners. It’s like their living a flashback of the bombing of Hiroshima. I’m telling you its like a war zone. It gets ugly. And loud.
That’s my main problem with it all. I don’t care that they have to take a dump every couple hours to stay regular. And I certainly don’t expect them to stay home all day as a result. I know that I wouldn’t want to wear a grown up diaper so I’m sure they don’t either. And as long as they’re able to maintain control of their bowels why should they? But the noises that come out during one of their rears are enough to turn even the toughest cast iron stomach. And mines more like flimsy aluminum. However, the likelihood of these men changing at their age is slim to none. So I have a solution.
In some of the restrooms I’ve visited over the years I noticed something unique. Every so often you will step into a restroom (mostly for #1) and hear music being played softly inside. This is perfect! A dispenser with disposable sanitary ear plugs could also do the trick but the cost could be prohibitive. But wiring a couple speakers could be just what the doctor (or geriatric patient) ordered. I say make it a law. And don’t stop there. Make sure that the volume of music is mandated as well to ensure the offensive sounds will be drowned out by the melody. With your help we can start a crusade and if enough people get the word out through blogs, sit-in campaigns, and freeway billboards we can make a difference. “Help stop PRNP (Public Restroom Noise Pollution)” will be the mantra and if we band together it can work… if we believe. It’s a small thing. But it just might be the first step toward making the world a better place.
