Pardon the Interruption

For years now the American public has been dealing with annoying commercials fighting for our attention. Each of the companies believes if they can grab just a few moments of our precious time, we will see the wonderful benefits of their offering and throw a few of our hard earned dollars their way. And sometimes they are right. Every so often, I come across something in an ad that appears great and I give it a try. Occasionally it even turns out to be a fantastic product and we become customers for life (or at least until the next best thing comes along). But that is rarely the case.

Faced with an ever-increasing barrage on our senses, most of us have learned to tune these messages out altogether. It’s not for lack of effort on corporate America. They are putting advertisements everywhere. This isn’t your grandpa’s era where learning how clean Tide® gets your laundry from the boob tube or how cool it is to smoke Marlboro® cigarettes in the latest edition of Boys’ Life magazine. Not anymore.

Television and print media are covered up in ads and have been for a long time. But these marketing executives aren’t stopping there. Drive down the road and you’ll likely see a mass transit bus covered in a wrap promoting the latest zit cream. And you’d better watch your blind spot, because it’s entirely possible some minivan emblazoned with a pitch for new auto insurance could be creeping up beside you. Think it stops there? Not a chance.

Hit the restroom at the local sports bar and you’re in for a surprise. Can’t a guy even pee in peace? Do these clowns really think I’m going to stop urinating, get out a pen and paper, jot down their phone number and start racing pack mules in the desert with my buddies. That’s crazy talk. None of my friends even own a pack mule. And can you imagine the hassle getting one of those things through customs? What are these people thinking?

Advertisements these days are showing up in some very strange places. I heard of someone selling off space on their forehead in an Ebay auction. Are you serious? Somebody is going to tattoo some company’s product on their head? I’ve come up with a new expression. “It’s better to get a commercialized tattoo on your back and let everyone think you are an idiot than to get one on your forehead and eliminate all doubt.”

And if you’ve taken a trip to the local mall lately you have undoubtedly witnessed what I call ‘attack advertising’ in action. Go ahead; just try to stroll casually past the little cart selling some kind of dead ocean creature based skin treatment without being noticed. It’s not gonna happen. Just yesterday I saw some poor woman doing her best to avoid eye contact get full body tackled by one of these nut bags. It took an hour to clean up the broken glass and window display at the Gap®. But luckily the baby was all right. Companies are desperate and willing to do anything to get through to us. Those women are ruthless. If the hand sanitizer industry doesn’t work out I’m sure they’d have a brilliant career in professional wrasslin (the dramatized televised version of wrestling). I sure wouldn’t want one of them slamming me over the head with an economy-sized bottle of moisturizing cream.

I think you get the point. Commercial messages are everywhere. And the more they surround us, the more we ignore them. It’s a vicious cycle. The sad thing about it is that even the products that might arouse curiosity are often victim to horrible advertising.

One blogger I found online (thanks Mr. Gore) suggests that some of the most annoying commercials on the boob tube do exactly what they’re supposed to do. He contends that these thirty-second clips get stuck in our minds and make us remember the products they represent. Possibly. But I do have a correction to make here. The purpose of a commercial is not to get us to remember the product (though it can be helpful). The primary goal is to get us to buy something. If we don’t act, they can’t make any more ads. So while I’ll admit that branding your XYZ liquid soap is important, it’s completely worthless if I never purchase any.

Admittedly, some of these offenders are much worse than others. It seems as though a few of these idiots actually sit around the boardroom trying to come up with new and improved ways of annoying us. As a group, they have bombarded us with their wares and it has gotten out of hand. Here are some of the worst examples:

• Ads promoting legal services: These vultures are the worst. Claiming to be there to help you, the only thing they’re after is a fat paycheck. “Broke your leg, great let’s sue someone. Someone called you a mean name at work, fantastic let’s sue someone. Call Jones, Smith, Richards, McKinley, Davis, Hanson, Barney, Nichols, Peterson and associates today. And associates? There are even more of you? I really wish lawyers would stop multiplying. Did they somehow invent a cloning device and a new “secret patent” that I’m unaware of? They must have judging by the number of times I have to change the channel lately.
• Feminine hygiene products: At dinner? Is that really necessary? Also, putting them on between innings of the World Series might not be hitting the target market. Do these really have to be marketed anyway? Don’t the women who need them go buy them regardless? As far as I know this isn’t exactly an impulse purchase.
• Adult diapers: Can’t they just promote these things by word of mouth? And why in the world do they come on after 9 p.m.? Every old person I know is already asleep by then. And it’s not exactly the kind of thing I’m going to buy somebody for a present either. “Happy birthday grandma, we know how you have a hard time controlling you bladder so we got you these.
• Domino’s Pizza® commercials: As an ex employee of the famous pizza company I may be a bit jaded. But I can’t help but notice how awful their ads have been over the past few years. The Noid and Bad Andy are among the worst, this pizza giant has practically rolled out the red carpet for their competition. And Fudgems was by far the worst of a bad group. Supposed to be a life-sized brownie, the commercial depicted this faceless brown blob hugging a child at someone’s door while smearing her with brown goo. I don’t know about you but that makes me want to order some pizza. There’s no telling whose brainchild this farce was but it was obviously an enormous mistake.

There’s no doubt commercials can be aggravating. There are, however, proven ways to avoid them and combat the attack on our senses. After all, it’s our time and we’ll spend it how we please. It’s called ‘paying attention’ for a reason. And we are not without options.

Channel surfing as a recreational sport has largely disappeared. There are just too many dang channels these days. I still do it through the high-def stations every now and then for old time’s sake, but mostly I use the pop up guide like everyone else. This has a side benefit of skipping right over the commercials like a Mexican jumping bean. Speaking of that, I miss the days of cruising past the Spanish channel and seeing their latest ads. The Mentos® ones were always my favorite.

Another cool thing about new cable and satellite TV is the ability to record shows and watch them later. This has also made it much easier to ignore ads on TV. Pressing the fast forward button lets you zip right through, skipping the annoyance effortlessly. If you have this service there’s another neat trick my wife and I figured out that you could try. Don’t start watching the show when it first comes on. Give it a running head start. Then, when you get about 15-25 minutes into it (depending on the length of the program) sit down and enjoy. When you get to a commercial you can use the fast forward technique here too. The best part is, if you time it right, you will catch up and still finish about the same time the show ends normally. And you skipped all the commercials and put those extra minutes to better use. You’re welcome.

And TV ads aren’t the only ones you can successfully ignore. Whenever I go out to bars now (which is rare), and find myself in need of their restroom facility I use a new strategy. As soon as I get near the urinal I close my eyes. Nobody’s going to make me stare at an ad I’m not interested in. Sure it sometimes makes things a little tougher on the janitor, aiming and all, but it’s a price I’m willing to make him pay. If he gets angry enough they might even take the things down. But I doubt it.

Incidentally, the eye-closed technique is not as effective for ads you might run into on the road. Unless you are the passenger, I strongly recommend keeping your eyes completely open while in the car. Otherwise you may find yourself needing a new insurance company after all. Might have to bite the bullet on this one.

Unfortunately, life has changed forever. In the future there will be more ads, not less. We just have to get used to it. Pretty soon we may exist in total isolation. Sure we’ll still go out in public but we’ll have become so desensitized that we may not even acknowledge the existence of other people. How could we when they have full body tattoos touting the benefits of eating Taco Bell® for lunch? Sellouts. But I must admit, getting a Braves logo on my shoulder does sound pretty cool. Maybe they’d trade me for some season tickets.

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