The American economy is in the toilet. It’s no secret. Bad loans and corporate greed have finally caught up to us and the result is catastrophic. There is no telling how deep a hole this will ultimately create. Things have become so bad, in fact, that the United States government is bailing out some of the largest of these failing businesses. And they’re doing it with our money. Or more appropriately, they’re doing it with the idea of our money. It doesn’t actually exist yet. They better crank up the ol’ printing press at the Treasury pretty soon and start churning out some more useless U.S. currency. If I seem a bit cynical there’s a very good reason. I am.
Some people believe that the upcoming election and the promise of a new President in the Oval Office will help stop the bleeding. I am not so optimistic. This has been brewing for a very long time and any quick fix will only delay the inevitable. The foundation of the economy (American people) is very strong but I’m afraid there is no easy way out of this mess. The time has passed for us to count on the powers that be to fix things. It’s time we took control of the issue at a grassroots level and start redefining the word frugal.
Many folks have already begun adjusting to these difficult economic times. Around my household, we are more likely eating Steak-umms than a real steak dinner. If you try this yourself make sure to fold the sliced meat multiple times to better simulate the experience. The consistency is a little strange at first but desperate times require desperate measures. Other people have showed exceptional creativity in living below their means. Here are a few ideas.
- Use a squeegee at the gas station to wash your car. It is possible to do this using none of your own money. Most of the stations provide paper towels too, so drying is not an issue. Some of the owners frown on this if you don’t fill up your tank. But hey, it’s a free country (at least for now) they moved to. For the uninhibited, showers can be taken this way too saving money on your water bill. Who knows if you’re really good looking it might even make you a few bucks.
- Grab extra condiments at restaurants. Ketchup packs, mustard, napkins, and even salt and pepper packs can all be found for free at these fine establishments. With practice you can learn to ignore the mean looks you get when you ask for all that extra barbecue sauce. One friend of mine even put his kids to work squeezing out all those little packets into full size containers. This is perfect because when company comes over they will be none the wiser. He said to be sure to allow ample time for the salt and pepper though, it can be quite time consuming. Some people say this resembles child abuse, I say it’s an exercise in building character and discipline. If you want to step it up a notch and have no moral compass to speak of, I’ve heard it said you could easily slip full bottles of these items from the tables of more casual dining restaurants. Would LongHorn Steakhouse really miss one bottle of A-1 sauce? I don’t advise this but it really does add some flavor to those Steak-umms once they come off the grill.
- Eat dog food. Some people actually think this is a good idea. They caution however, to only eat the dry kind steering way clear of the canned stuff. Despite how appetizing it may appear, they swear it tastes awful. Whew, I sure am glad they figured that one out for me. Just when I was about to serve up Alpo stew too. In this case it’s better to stick with cat food. They are much more finicky than their canine companions and won’t eat the stuff we feed dogs either. The ingredients in a can of cat chow more closely resemble a can of tuna (but much cheaper) than animal food. Also, few people realize this but some brands of canned cat food are actually of better quality than the meat substance they use at a popular fast food taco joint. It’s true.
- Train your dog to beg the neighbors for food. This would definitely save money on dog food. If you combine this with the previous idea you win twice. Especially if you can teach him to beg for cat food.
- Rent out your children. Market your new business to couples thinking of starting a family of their own. Say to them, “Listen, I’m going to save you a lot of time, money, and aggravation. Pay me fifty bucks and you can take my kids home for a day. This way you can see how out of your mind you are before you have to deal with it permanently.” You can call it the “Try Before You Buy Program” and if you find some psycho that actually enjoys torture, maybe you can work out a lease purchase option. Be careful to have the contract drawn up by your own lawyers to cover your bases in the unlikely event you experience sellers remorse. While they’re on their ‘slumber parties’ (it’s extremely important to sell this properly to the children) you are not only earning an income but you will also be saving money on cat food. It’s a win-win.
- Use pine needles for under arm deodorant. This is a decent idea. True enough they are free and in my part of the world they are abundant. I’m not completely convinced they will make you smell better than using nothing at all but it’s worth a shot. Another thought, considering where you’ll be bathing, is to use a car air freshener instead. Even if you don’t have one there are bound to be some handy in someone else’s unlocked vehicle. Don’t get hung on morality here. It’s not stealing if you put it back, only borrowing. The upside of this is you can probably still get that pine tree fresh scent if you so desire.
All of these ideas are terrific. It is obvious sacrifices must be made if we are to weather these tough economic times. And I for one am more than willing to do my part. These are just some of the many creative ideas out there to help stretch your hard earned dollars just a little bit further. With any luck, some of our penny pinching will serve as an example to those running Washington. Maybe (if we lean on them hard enough) they will run the country with the same fiscal responsibility we employ in our own homes. I wonder which of these two candidates is more likely to eat a bowl of Fancy Feast? That’s sacrifice. God bless America.
